I am very excited to share an excerpt of Immortal Matchmakers, Inc by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff with you! Look for the review for this book to post soon, but I can sum it up with 3 words: HOT, HOT, & HILARIOUS!
The best part of all about this book? It’s currently on sale for only $0.99 right now! That’s right! $1 for an amazingly hot read by a best selling author! Get your Kindles out now!
“Godsdammit. I’m going to need a snack.” Zac, God of Temptation and the most awesome motherfucking badass deity on the planet, took his Bionic Man lunchbox from his black leather backpack, placed it on his desk, and went for his bologna sandwich.
“Fuck. Me. This can’t be happening,” he whispered and tore off a big bite while staring at the computer screen. One hundred and fifty? They hadn’t even been open for a day.
His computer made that strange little swoosh sound, indicating more of this “email” crap was flowing into his “inbox.”
He took another bite and nearly choked. “What the bloody hell?” Now two hundred and eighty immortals had filled out the online request form.
He looked over his shoulder, across the empty space of the twentieth floor, which they’d rented in downtown L.A. The big corner office remained empty.
It was well past noon, yet his crazy fucking redheaded mess of a sister Cimil, The Goddess of the Underworld, was nowhere to be found on their official first day of business. Of course, she’d insisted on getting the only office because she was “critical to mankind’s survival.”
What a bunch of deity-crap. As far as he was concerned, they were both equally valuable to humanity and both in this mess for two reasons: One, she was bat-shit crazy. And two, he’d trusted her. Having to open this matchmaking agency for immortals was all her goddamned fault.
That’s right. My only crime was falling in love with my brother’s woman. Yeah, so maybe he’d crossed a few lines, using his powers to try (and fail) to break them up. But banishment by the other gods to this hellhole of traffic, smog, and heat they called “Los Angeles”? Then having to come to this enormous, soul-sucking coffin of glass and steel—called an “office building”—every day to work like some lowly mortal slave to assist the unlaid immortal masses?
No fucking gracias, amigos.
His eyes darted around the empty space, taking note of its tragically undignified decorum of white walls, gray carpet, and artificial lighting. Maybe I can spruce up the place with some paintings of naked women and chocolate—tempting shit like that.
He shoved the rest of his sandwich into his mouth, dusted off his hands on his black leather pants, and went back to his computer, toggling through the profiles. Vampire, vampire, demigod, my brother, my other brother, Uchben, immortal warrior…unicorn?
“Hi. Are you Zac?” said a sweet, feminine voice.
He looked up and found a short woman with a long blonde ponytail and big blue eyes, standing in the doorway, looking very nervous. Her petite body, though covered in a horribly unrevealing dress with disgusting flowers all over it, was cute and curvy.
She batted her big blues in question.
He held up his index finger and swallowed down the lump of food. “Yeah, I’m Zac. Who the hell are you?” She appeared human, but this was a matchmaking agency for immortals only.
With an eager, friendly smile she approached, holding out her hand. “I’m Tula Jones. So nice to meet you.”
He stood from his chair and watched her gaze follow his face up, up, up.
Her mouth fell open. “She wasn’t lying; you really are big.”
Of course. He was a deity—one of fourteen, over seventy thousand years old, and seven feet of masculine perfection right down to his godsdamned dingle berries. Not that he had any, because he was far too perfect for that shit.
Zac crossed his powerful arms over his magnificent chest. “Yes, I am big. In many, many ways.” He cocked a suggestive brow, wondering how many seconds it would take her to reach out and touch him. The ladies always wanted a little feel. “So which lucky lady sent you?” It wasn’t uncommon for the women to talk after an exquisite night with him. A god. A badass god. With a huge cock. And he’d been plowing a whole hell of a lot of mortal fields these past few weeks. Hell, what else was there to do? Cry over his broken, banished, badass heart? No fucking way.
“Uh, well,” she said meekly, “your sister Cimil told me about you. Said I shouldn’t be afraid or let you push me around.”
Cimil sent me a woman to fuck? This Tula was a bit small for his taste, around five feet or so, but she looked like she might know her way around a cock. Maybe this day was looking up.
“She hired me to be your assistant,” Tula added, her nervous eyes continuing to scale up and down his body.
Oh. So no afternoon booty delivery, huh? Maybe he’d go next door to the Starbucks and pick someone up. Banished and powerless or not, he was still a deity and completely irresistible to women. What his body didn’t catch, his scent did. One whiff and the ladies swarmed like horny bees.
“And what makes my sister think I need an assistant?” he said skeptically.
“Your sister said, and I quote, ‘He is a giant asshat and completely useless, so he needs someone to do everything for him.’”
He wasn’t an asshat. An asshole, maybe. But either way, was Cimil out of her immortal skull? Humans were on a need-to-know basis because they usually freaked the fuck out about the immortal community. They’d have everything from vampires to that nightmare of a head case, Cimil’s unicorn, coming through on a daily basis.
Tula added, “She also mentioned that you might need some cheering up and moral support. And, wow, she was right about your hair.”
“My hair?” He ran his hand over the length of his shaggy black mane.
“She said it screamed depression. Want me to book you a salon appointment?” Tula asked.
What? His hair did not scream “depression.” It looked shiny and unkempt and screamed “badass!” The women constantly complimented him on how it set off his turquoise eyes.
Of course, they’re usually looking at the bulge in my pants when they say it.
“I’m sorry,” he said, growling, “but I think there’s been a mistake. We’re not hiring.”
“Uh-huh,” Tula said cheerily. “Should I sit here?” She walked around the desk and slid her petite frame past his body, sending a hard spike of arousal through his groin. She took the seat he’d just been in and looked up at him, smiling sassily.
“What are you doing?” he said.
“Your sister also explained that you’d try to run me off. Because, and I quote, ‘He’s a giant asshat and thinks he’s too awesome to need help from anyone.’”
He growled and reached for her. “Okay, little girl, it’s time for you—”
She leaned away from his hand. “Please don’t kick me out. I really need this job.”
He froze and then dropped his hand. Godsdammit. “My sister told you to say that, didn’t she?”
Tula shook her head. “No. But it’s the truth. I need the money for college. I’ve only got one more year left, and my parents can’t afford the tuition. This is the only job I’ve been able to find that comes close to paying the bills and is flexible enough for me to go to school.”
Bloody fucking hell. She’d found his loophole. No, he didn’t mean his asshole—his loophole. A deity’s purpose was to help humans. It was hardwired into their DNA from day one.
Now he had to help.
He scratched his unshaven jaw, unsure of what to do with her. Why would Cimil hire this naïve little human female to help them pay their penance—finding mates for one hundred immortals—or something like that? Honestly, the other garble the other gods had said at his sentencing about learning compassion and the true meaning of love had gone in one ear and out the other. The part about being stripped of his powers and banished, however? Well, that stuck like dog shit on a shoe.
“Fine,” he grumbled. “You can stay. But just for the time being until you find another job.”
“Thank you! Thank you,” she said. “I promise you won’t be disappointed. I’m a hard worker and great at organizing.”
“Yes. Yes. You’re welcome. You’re welcome,” he said blandly. Now where would he sit? He looked around the empty room that would also serve as their lobby. “I’ll work in there.” Fuck Cimil. She hadn’t shown, so he’d take the big office. Let her sit on the floor. “Maybe you can start by ordering some…” He waved his hand in the air. “Some things to make this hellhole look less like a hellhole.” Gods only knew how long he’d have to keep coming here; might as well make it worthy of a deity.
“Okay. I’ll get right on it.” She glanced down at the desk. “Is that a Bionic Man lunch pail?”
“Yes.” Silly mortal. Could she not see the giant letters on the metal box, clearly stating “The Bionic Man”?
“My dad had one of those when he was little. A huge Bionic Man fan,” she said.
Her father? But the woman at the very “cool and hip” store for younger humans had said that it was what the “edgy” and “fucking awesome” people used these days to transport their afternoon meals. No, he didn’t have to eat but enjoyed doing it anyway. Yes, he was a stress eater. Okay? Even deities had their challenges. Thankfully, I don’t gain weight. I’m just a giant piece of awesome.
Zac looked down at the lunch box and rubbed his jaw. “Well, it’s a…a friend gave it to me as a joke.” Note to badass self: Must smite salesperson at trendy store for deceiving me.
“Aww…well, I think it’s cute,” she said.
In that case, I will merely maim salesperson.
Tula scooted her body closer to the desk. “So, where would you like me to start after I order the furniture?” She flashed a smile that, despite its nervousness, was bright and cheery. Of course, that happy shit was completely lost on him.
“Ehhh…well, what exactly did my sister tell you?”
“Um, that you are the God of Temptation—now exiled and powerless—and she is the Goddess of the Underworld, also exiled, though she still communes with the dead. She is also a new mother to two boys and two girls, and, I quote, ‘one dangerous mess of woman-hormones with giant cow udders.’”
“She told you what we are?” he asked. “And you’re not afraid?”
She shook her head, her blonde ponytail flopping side to side. “No, sir. My momma raised me with an open mind, and I always suspected there was more to this world than what I saw with my eyes.” She shrugged. “I love being right.”
Funny. Me too!
“Ah, well. In that case, Tula, welcome to reality.”
She leaned forward, lacing her hands together. “So is it true? You have an army of immortal warriors, kind of like the bad vampires in the Twilight book?”
He cringed. “We are gods. Fourteen of the most powerful creatures in existence, not…” He made a sour face. “Vampires.” Of course, in general he didn’t have anything against those sneaky sifting bastards. For example, his brother Kinich, ex-God of the Sun, was now a vampire, and even Cimil’s mate, Roberto, was an Ancient One—the first of his kind. He was also once an Egyptian pharaoh, which made him an arrogant, ruthless fucker. Who could resist liking that?
He added, “We are divine, my dear human. Birthed from the Universe’s womb.”
She shrugged. “I still loved Twilight.”
He gave her a look and was about to speak when he noticed something unexpected: Her aura.
Holy fuck. What. Is. That? In his seventy thousand years, he’d never seen a human with a purer soul. Not one. Looking at her was like gazing at a patch of newly fallen snow.
“You okay, Mr. Zac?” she asked.
He nodded dumbly.
“’Cause you look like you want to put whatever you just ate right back in the Bionic Man box.” She scooted the lunch pail closer to him.
He shook his head. So pure. So…wholesome. So…going to fucking kill Cimil!
“Could you excuse me one moment?” He held up his finger, and she gave him a nod.
He marched into the empty office, dug out his cellphone, and dialed Cimil. As it rang, he closed the door.
“Hayyyyy looooow. This is Cimil. You’ve reached my voicemail because I’m busy licking Roberto’s enormous sarcophagus or I’m allowing these tiny helpless degenerates to suckle from my ample teets or I’m plotting the destruction of mankind. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as never.” Beep.
Zac growled into his phone before letting loose. “Cimil, I’m going to dismember you. First, you betray me. Then I’m banished. Now…now you hire a human who’s, who’s…” He couldn’t say the words.
“Who’s what?” said a voice from behind him.
Zac swiveled in his black leather biker boots to find Cimil. She wore a pair of pink lederhosen, gold platform shoes and her flaming red hair in an enormous bun on the top of her head. Her T-shirt read “God Milk?” and had two arrows, one pointing to each breast. Honestly, he still found it disturbing to think of Cimil as a mother. Worst of all, those babies had such an evil vibe. When he’d met them, he could’ve sworn he’d heard Satanic chanting coming from their cribs.
“Where the hell have you been?” he growled. “And what the hell do you think you’re up to?”
Her turquoise eyes—the exact same color as his and the other deities—shifted around the room. “I am getting ready to serve my time for my crimes. Boy, we really need to get some color going in here. What do you think of a clown theme?”
He noticed Tula peeking behind Cimil.
“I’m talking about the human,” he whispered.
“She is our employee,” Cimil whispered back.
“Don’t fuck with me. You’re up to something.”
“Why would I be up to something?”
“Because you’re Cimil.”
“Good point. But I assure you that Tula is our helper and nothing more. She’s also taken, Zac, head over heels in love with a nice young human man named Gilbert whom she is to marry.”
Oh great. Even worse. After all, he was the God of Temptation, and stripped powers or not, he was who he was. He liked tempting people. He liked it a whole hell of a lot. And Cimil had hired a human who’d be irresistible to him. He’d want to tempt her every which way possible.
“And,” Cimil added, “because her heart is so pure, she’s in no danger from you.”
Zac lifted a brow, still not believing Cimil.
“Okay. So.” Cimil clapped her hands together. “That was a tough workday. See you tomorrow!”
“You’ve been here all of two minutes, Cimil. And I don’t know about you, but I want my punishment over as fast as possible.” Living in the mortal world without any powers was already beginning to grind on him. How did his brethren who voluntarily spent their time in this world stand it? It felt like being confined in a small box. I much prefer the freedom of our realm and being disembodied.
Cimil tilted her head, studying him with curiosity.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked.
She stared for another long moment and then her eyes widened in shock.
“Cimil?” He snapped his fingers, but she remained zoned out. Oh great. He hated when she did that because it usually indicated she was having a vision or an incoming message from the dead. Generally neither were good. “What, dammit?”
She blinked. “Woo! That was horrifying.” She shook her head from side to side. “Zac, are you feeling a little agitated lately?”
“Your abilities to discern the obvious are impressive. What did you just see?”
“I’m not certain, but I sensed something is going to be wrong with you.”
“Yes. And its name is Cimil. That’s definitely it.” And knowing he’d be stuck in the human world for a very, very long time while having to be around that little temptress Tula. How would he get anything done around here? He’d be obsessing over how to corrupt her. And help her, too, of course. Because he was a god and needed to help humans. Yes, they were all quite fucked up.
Cimil puckered her bright red lips, looking genuinely concerned—a rarity. “I have a feeling that this sentence of ours is not going to be easy on you, dear Zac. So given the kind and generous sister I am, I’ll hurry things along. Which makes it very convenient that I’ve identified the first client and laid out the entire game plan to avoid any hurdles, including recruiting—or blackmailing—same diff—our client’s BFF. Victimo numero uno is as good as in the bag.”
Okay. This was good. Only ninety-nine more immortals to match up.
She continued, “So I suggest to make things move faster, I focus on our first client while you work with Tula there to set up a mixer. We can throw a wild lovefest for all of the eligible immortals looking for love.”
“Oh.” Zac rubbed his chin. An immortal singles mixer would surely result in a shitload of matches. It’s fucking genius. Not that he would admit that to Cimil. But she does have her moments.
“Now, get out,” she said. “I don’t want anyone in my office. Lots of confidential stuff lying around.”
There was nothing but a cold computer and an empty desk.
“You’re not getting this office,” he said.
“Hey, it’s the least you can offer after everything I’ve done for you,” she squabbled.
“You mean the fact that I’m being punished because you lied and manipulated me?” She’d promised everything would work out with his brother’s woman if he followed her advice. Of course, Cimil claimed everything had worked out. Just not for him.
“Exactly.” She shrugged happily. “And stop your whining. I got banished, too, and the only thing I did was tell a few lies, torture a few innocent souls, and save the world from ending. How fair is that?”
“Uh, because you were secretly driving the world to its end at the same time?” Of course, she couldn’t really help it. Like him, she had her dark side, but ultimately served the greater good. Very twisted.
That Universe and her sense of humor. What a riot.
“Now shoo!” She swept her hands through the air. “Minky needs her rest.”
Zac shook his head. Minky was Cimil’s pet, a bloodthirsty and invisible unicorn. It was better not to speak of such things.
He followed Cimil out, and she closed the door behind her and locked it. “Okay. I have my womba class—boy, those four little monsters really stretched the old uterus right out—then Roberto and I have our daddy-vampire and mommy-goddess class. See you both tomorrow.”
Zac was about to ask about the class, but then realized he didn’t give a fuck.
“Tootles!” Cimil said, wiggling her pale gaunt fingers in the air. “And keep your paws off Tula! She’s taken!”
Dammit, Cimil. She knew that saying that would make him want her more. He hoped she was joking about the taken part.
“Wait,” he said. “You never told me who our first ‘in the bag’ client is.”
She flashed a devilish grin over her shoulder. “The infamous Andrus Gray.”
Oh, hell. That guy? Definitely not in the bag. “If that’s the case, then we are going to need his best friend’s help.”
This just shows you how tongue in cheek this wonderful book is! Go to Mimi Jean Pamfiloff’s website to learn more about the author, and don’t forget to pick up your copy of Immortal Matchmakers, Inc. today!